Cards Against Remnant
by RexHeller
Summary: RWBY and JNPR are bored. This is bad. So they're going to play Cards Against Remnant. What's the worst that could happen? Rated M because of Cards Against Humanity.
1. Prolouge

Something very unusual was happening at Beacon Academy. Something that was thought to be impossible, something that brought hope to the ignorant and terror to those who knew better, something that had never happened before.

Team RWBY was sitting in their dorm room. Quietly.

Despite the wishes of at least two of their members, RWBY's dorm was never quiet while they were there. Whether it was Weiss arguing with Ruby, Ruby singing along with her music, Weiss arguing with Yang, weapons malfunctions, Yang teasing Ruby, Weiss arguing with Blake, Yang playing her club music too loud, various other antics or Weiss arguing with herself (about how to get her teammates to shut up) there was always some noise coming from RWBY's dorm. Even when they slept Yang's snoring was obnoxiously loud.

Ever since the train incident team RWBY had been effectively under house arrest. Vale was off limits until the city finished repairs. Classes were cancelled until the Vytal Festival was over but that had pushed back because of the city needed to be repaired. First year students could only enter the forests to hunt Grimm on assignment but because class was cancelled there were no assignments. All there was to do was homework and training. But their homework was done and training all day, everyday quickly became tedious.

In short, Ruby Rose, Weiss Schnee, Blake Belladonna and Yang Xiao Long were bored.

Something had to be done.

* * *

><p>*Knock, knock*<p>

"Weiss, get the door." Ruby lazily ordered. She was lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling, listening to her music. She hadn't moved for the last five hours. But that was okay, neither had any of her teammates. Weiss was doing her nails, Blake was reading as always, and Yang was pretending to be asleep.

"You didn't say please" Weiss replied.

Ruby tried again. "Blake get the door"

"No." Blake continued reading.

"Yang, get the door."

"Snore."

Ruby threw her headphones off in frustration. "Oh, come on! I know you're not sleeping. You literately just said 'Snore'."

"Z Z Z Z" Yang replied with added sarcasm.

"Fine. '_Ruby get the door_.'" Ruby jumped to the ground and continued talking to herself "'_Sure thing Ruby.' 'Thanks Ruby_.'" She opened the door "'_Anything for you Ruby. You're the best leader ever. I would never think of disobeying your orders_.' Hello?"

"Whose there?" Weiss asked without looking up.

"Umm, Nobody." Ruby answered. She started to look around in confusion.

That made Weiss look up "Really? Someone just knocked on our door and ran? That sounds like a really stupid prank. You know, like something Yang would pull. I mean-" at this point she was cut off by a pillow thrown into her face. "YANG! What the hell?"

Yang rolled over and tried to get comfortable without her pillow. "Sleeping noises."

Weiss sighed. "You're not even trying."

Blake looked up from her for a moment and said "Don't explain the joke, Weiss."

Meanwhile, across the hallway Ruby was investigating.

"So you're sure you didn't hear anything Jaune?"

"Yes Ruby. None of us heard anything, none of us knocked on your door, none of us have even left our room for the past hour." Jaune was annoyed. He had just started to fall asleep after another grueling training session with Pyrrha when he had been forced to get up because the rest of his team refused to answer the door. And now Ruby wouldn't stop pestering him when he should be sleeping.

Ruby seemed to finally realize that she wouldn't be getting any info out of her first friend at Beacon and turned to leave, "Alright, bye. See you later I gueWHAAAA!" and promptly tripped and fell.

Jaune quickly turned a fit of giggles into into coughs. When he had recovered he asked if the young team leader was okay. She nodded and quickly investigated what had caused her to trip. At this point the rest of both teams where peaking their heads out their doors, curious about the commotion. They stared at the long black box Ruby held in her hands.

On it where the words "Cards Against Remnant."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Hey guys, what's up? This is first ever fan fiction so I decided to do something easy and harmless. Thus RWBY and JNPR are going to play Cards Against Humanity. This isn't going to be planned in any way. I'm going to be using a text list of cards and a random number generator to pick cards. Anyway I'd appreciate any reviews. I want to know if I'm doing well and how I can improve.<strong>

**That's all from me.**

**- Rex Heller**


	2. Round 1: The Game Begins

_Oh yeah. Here's a disclaimer since I kinda forgot one in the prologue. _  
><em>RWBY belongs to Rooster Teeth and Monty Oum. Cards Against Humanity belongs to Cards Against Humanity. Surprise, Surprise.<em>

_Secondary Disclaimer: Cards Against Humanity contains cards such as "The biggest, blackest dick" "Nipple blades", "Cthulhu", "Sexual Humiliation" and "Grammar Nazis who are also regular Nazis." If you are offended by any of these or similar cards this fanfic may not be for you._

-

Chapter one

"Okay everybody, let's make sure we have everything."

After the teams had decided to give Cards against Remnant a try they had quickly taken over one of the many rec rooms on campus. Ruby was standing with a list in hand while everyone else quickly prepped the area.

"Let's see. Snacks?"

"Check." Ren replied while holding off Nora who was trying to get at the food. Not only was there typical game night fare like chips, soda and ice cream but Ren had also made pancakes. He was beginning to regret the decision because he didn't think Nora would ever calm down and actually play the game.

"Good. Seating arrangements?"

Yang and Blake finished moving some beanbag chairs around they table they where using. "Yep."

"Friends?"

"We're all here you dolt. Can we hurry this up?" Weiss answered. She was already having seconds thoughts. Something to do with the fact that the tag line for the game was A Party Game for Horrible People.

"And I have the game. Alright, let's get started!" Ruby declared with excitement. "Yang, you said played this before?"

Yang grabbed the cards and started to deal them out while everyone else sat down. "Yep. Here's how it works. Everyone gets ten white cards. One person is picked as the Card Czar. The Card Czar draws a black card and reads it out loud. The black card with be a question or a fill in the blank, something like that. Everyone else plays a white card face down. The Card Czar then reads all the answers and picks the one they think is funniest. The winner gets the black card which is now an awesome point. The next person becomes the Card Czar and the game continues. I'll go first and show you guys how it's done. We can go in reverse alphabetical order. Okay?"

Nobody answered. They were to busy staring at their cards. Nora was giggling, Jaune, Pyrrha and Ruby were equal parts confused, disgusted and amused, and Weiss was horrified. Even Ren's usual stoic mask was slipping. The only one who looked unfazed was Blake.

Pyrrha was the First to recover. "Um, are we sure we want to play this? Some of these cards seem pretty offensive."

"That's what makes it fun." was Yang's immediate answer.

"No." Weiss whispered.

Ruby looked at her partner with concern. "Did you say something, Weiss?"

"No!" everyone jump at Weiss's sudden outburst. "I am not playing this... this... Thing! It's disgusting!"

"That's the point, Princess." Yang was having way too much fun with her friends' discomfort. Still, if someone backed out it would ruin the fun. Time for a plan. "Whats the matter, you Scared?"

Weiss's temper flared. "Scared? I'll have you know that I'm not scared of anything."

"Oh, really? Then why don't you wanna play. I bet you're just afraid that you might lose. After all, with your pampered upbringing you probably don't know how to make dirty jokes."

Reason vacated Weiss's mind as soon as her competitive nature took over. She stood up, slammed her hands onto the table and started to rant at Yang. "I can be just as dirty as Miss Xiao Long and I'll prove it. I'm going to make jokes so improper that you're going to lose you shit. I'm going to win this game and nothing you can do will stop me. Bitch." Weiss threw herself back down onto her beanbag chair with a smug smirk on her face. That is, until she saw the grin on Yang's face and her brain caught up with what she just said, at which point her face turned as white as her hair.

Just as planned thought Yang thought as she grabbed a black card. "Alright, the first black card says 'What will I bring back in time to convince people I am a powerful wizard?'"

Around the table, everyone stared intently at their cards as they made their choice. Soon, everyone had played a card. Yang grabbed them, gave them a quick shuffle and began to read them.

"Okay, What am I bringing back in time to prove I'm a wizard? Mad hacky-sack skills. Umm, what?"

Ruby and Nora giggled and Weiss rolled her eyes.

"I'm also bringing back dungeons and/or dragons. Yeah, that's pretty convincing." Yang said with a laugh.

"It's nice to have options." Ren added.

Yang nodded. "True. The next card is the little engine that could."

"Boo. Lame." Nora was not amused.

"Hey, I like that story." Ruby said.

Yang just sighed and grabbed the next card. "A cooler full of organs? What?"

"I thought You where trying to convince people you were a wizard, not a sociopath." Blake quipped.

"I don't think Yang needs help convincing people she's crazy."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence, Weiss." Weiss stuck out her tongue, and Yang grabbed the next card, read it and burst out laughing.

"What does it say? What does it say." Nora really wanted to know what was so funny.  
>"Gimme a moment." Yang coughed and composed herself but her grin remained. "When I travel back in time I shall convince people I'm a wizard by bring special musical guest, Weiss."<p>

"What!" Weiss screamed while everyone else immediately fell over laughing. "Why am I in the game? Who made this? I'm going to sue them for everything the have!"

Ruby was the first to stop laughing. "Weiss, calm down. It's only a game and besides it's not like the card itself is insulting. You did have a musical career for a while after all."

"Yeah, besides you should be glad you were played on this card. If I had you in my hand I would have saved you for the 'How did I lose my virginity' card." Yang said.

Jaune yelped. "That's an actual card?"

"Yep. Anyway, the last to cards are 'the gulags' and 'Vigilante justice'. Who played Weiss?" Yang asked.

Pyrrha raised her hand and Yang tossed her the black card. "Congrats."

"Oh come on. It wasn't that funny." Weiss grumbled.

"It was your reaction that sold it." Yang explained. "Now stop complaining, you're the Card Czar."

Everyone refiled their hands and Weiss grabbed a new black card. "Everyone ready?" Seven various signs of agreement later. "Alright. What get's better with age?"

Yang groaned. "Damn, I have no good cards for this one."

"Same." Ren agreed.

"Just play." Weiss said with impatience. Soon all the cards were in her hand and she read the first one. "A middle-aged man on roller-skates."

"Lame."

"Nora's going be saying that a lot isn't she?" Ren asked.

"It seems so because the next answer is quiche."

Nora looked confused. "What's quiche?"

Weiss gave her a look but decided not to explain. "Never mind. None of these are going to be funny so I'm going to speed through them. Let's see, childhood friends, authentic Vacuian cuisine, puberty, tangled slinkies, and finally... oh my god." Weiss' eyes grew wide and her face turn white.

Everyone leaned forward in anticipation. "C'mon, what does it say?" Jaune voiced the question in everyone's mind.

"One of you is very, very sick. Seriously, seek counselling."

Yang ran out of patience "Just read the card!"

"Alright, alright." Weiss took a deep breath. "Necrophilia."All motion in the room just stopped.

Except for Ruby, who was trying very hard to sink under the table without being noticed. Unfortunately she failed.

"Ruby?"

"Yes Weiss?"

"Did you play this card?"

"Yes?" Ruby responded in a very small voice. Seven pairs of eyes just stared at her for a good minute.

It was Weiss who broke the silence. "Okay, I'm going to do My best to forget that happened. Anyway, the winner is puberty because you can grow out of it." Jaune threw his arms up in victory.

Nora pouted "Darn, I was hoping I would win with childhood friends."  
>"I wouldn't know. I never had any." Weiss looked at her feet. Ruby noticed and gave her a hug. Weiss immediately pushed her off and replaced her icy mask.<p>

"Well it's true." Nora said and Ren gave her a smile.

"Woo, My turn to be Card Czar." Ruby eagerly grabbed a black card. "Oh, this should be good. What's that sound?"

"Arhg, I still don't have any good cards." Yang moaned.

"I totally got this." Jaune said triumphantly.

Weiss just grinned.

Soon everyone's cards were in front of Ruby. "Alright, what's that sound? It's ... Ominous background music. Dun dun dun." That got a few laughs. "Some douche with an acoustic guitar." Weiss glared at Jaune. "Oh, eww. Queefing."

"Uh, what's queefing?" Jaune asked. Pyrrha leaned over and whispered in his ear. Jaune shot up and ran from the room, his face looking green. Yang and Nora collapsed in laughter. Ruby, on the other hand looked concerned. "Is he gonna be alright?"

"He'll be fine." Pyrrha answered. Sure enough a few minutes later Jaune came back, looking a little bit paler and the game continued.

"What's that sound? It's masturbation." Ruby reached for the next card but stopped when she heard something. Something that sounded a lot like...

"EVERYBODY, HANDS ON THE TABLE, NOW!" Weiss screeched. Seven pairs of hands immediately slammed onto the table. "NORA!"

"What? I'm just slapping my wrist." Nora explained. She then raised her hands out from under the table and showed them. She was indeed just slapping her wrist with one hand.

Ren face-palmed. "Nora, please don't add sound effects. This game is gross enough as it is." Nora pouted but agreed.

Ruby picked up the next card. "Grave robbing. Isn't that supposed to be quiet?"

"You'd know, wouldn't you Miss Necrophilia." Blake said with a smirk.

"Hey!" Ruby tried to look indignant. Judging by how everyone laughed at her, it didn't work. Maybe I should get lessons from Weiss she thought.

When everyone calmed down she read the next card. Or tried to at least. She started to stutter and whisper. Yang grinned "What was that? We couldn't her you."

"I said 'My collection of high-tech sex toys'." The room erupted into laughter.

Blake managed to say something between gasps for breath. "So that's what you do with Crescent Rose at night." Ruby turned as red as her cloak.

Nora thought of something. "Wait. I thought she liked dead bodies, not inanimate objects."

"Technically, dead bodies are inanimate objects." Blake replied.

Weiss, who was trying desperately not to laugh, spoke up. "Did you not hear me when I said I was trying my best to forget that card."

"Sorry. But it's just too funny."

Ruby regained the ability to speak. "Dammit, Blake you don't see me judging you based on what cards you play."

"Well maybe you should."

Ruby's face split into a grin. "Thanks for the invitation. Now I just have to figure out what you played."

"Don't bother. You haven't read mine yet."

Ruby's grin grew to Nora-With-Pancakes size. "You done goofed, Blake."

"Oh, really"

"Yep. There's only one card left."

The colour drained from Blake's face as Ruby slowly reached for the last face down card on the table. Ruby drew out the moment, enjoying the fact that her tormenter was now at her mercy. She picked the card up, looked at it, looked at Blake, then back at the card. Finally she spoke. "What's that sound? According to Blake, it's slow seductive tentacle rape." Ruby exploded into laughter as Blake hid her face in her hands.

"Wow, didn't know you where into that sort of thing Blake." Yang was enjoying Blake's reaction almost as much as Ruby.

Weiss decided to get in on the joke. "Ew, is that Ninjas of Love book you're always reading is about."

Blake gave up on hiding in her hands and just slammed her face into the desk. "Can everyone just shut up?"

"It's not fun, is it Blake?"

"Alright, fine. Ruby, I'm sorry. Now will you just tell us who won."

Quest for vengeance completed, Ruby returned to her regular, perky self. "Oh, yeah. Ominous background music wins. Everything else was too gross."

"Oh, yeah. Gimme that point!" Jaune yelled. Then he caught him self. "Um, please?"

"What about the douche with the guitar. That was wasn't gross." Nora asked with disappointment.

"Oh, right. Kinda forgot about that one." Ruby admitted.

Nora looked crushed. "B-b-but why? I'm funny. Ren! I'm funny right? Tell them I'm funny."

Ren didn't bother looking at her as he reached for a black card. "You're hilarious Nora. I'm sure that you'll win this round. Now, if everyone will give my their cards we can get started."

Nora smiled, reassured that she was funny. Plus, she was sure that she would win this round. After years of being together (but not together-together) no one new Ren like she did. She new his likes and dislikes, favourite foods, and of course his sense of humour. His very, very strange sense of humour. No matter how perverted the card, Ren wouldn't think it was funny. No, Ren was a different sort of horrible.

Ren cleared his throat and read the card. "A successful job interview starts with a firm handshake and ends with blank." Nora immediately slapped down a card and the others quickly followed suit.

Ren began to read the cards. "A successful job interview starts with a firm handshake and ends with being a busy adult with many important things to do."

Yang pretended to look horrified. "Is that what happens to normal people? That sounds awful."

Ren shrugged and moved on. "And ends with doin' it in the butt."

"Y'know, the fact that Ren can say that without freaking out kinda takes the fun out of it." Ruby complained.

"I don't know. I think it makes it funnier." Pyrrha disagreed.

That gave Ren an idea. "How's this; the first card to make me loose my cool automatically wins."

"What? No, you can't just change the rules like that!" Weiss was not happy with this change.

Blake grinned like a cat. "To bad. He's Card Czar, so what he says goes. Besides you're upset you're out of the running because he already read you card."

Weiss's face dropped. "W-what? How could you know what my card was?"

"Weiss only you would think being a busy adult would be funny." Yang looked disappointed, annoyed that such a stick in the mud was on her team.

Ruby giggled. "Actually, that was mine."

"Dammit Ruby!"

"As entertaining as this is, maybe I should read the next card?" Ren deadpanned. He made sure they were quiet and continued. "Good. A Successful job interview ends with being a motherfucking sorcerer."

"I want that job." Nora said, completely serious.

"And ends with being so wet it just slides out of you."

Ruby, Weiss, Pyrrha and Jaune all blushed, Yang howled with laughter, and Blake just kept smiling.

"And ends with actually getting shot, for real."

"If that's what happens at a successful interview I don't want to know what happens at a bad one." Jaune joked.

"Wow, Vomit Boy managed to make a good joke." Yang actually sounded impressed.

"Why are you surprised? I'm winning, remember."

"Oh, yeah."

Ren just sighed and read the next card. "Making a pouty face. I don't think you people understand what successful means."

"No, that's why it's successful. You make the pouty face, the interviewer feels bad for you and then they give you the job." Blake explained.

Ren gave her a look. "Yeah, I don't think so."

"I'll prove it to you. Ruby! Pout at Ren so he picks my card!" Blake was getting surprisingly animated, very different from her usual distant, mysterious persona.  
>Ruby, on the other hand, looked extremely annoyed. "Blake, I'm not helping you win."<p>

"Please. I'll give you cookies."

"Why does everyone think they can bribe me with cookies. My favourite food is strawberries."

They were interrupted by laughter. Really, Really loud laughter. It was coming from Ren, who had the last white card in his hand. Nora cheered, grabbed the black card and started to do a victory dance. "I win, I win. I made Ren crack. I win, I win. I broke Ren." She sang

"What's it say, What's it say?" Ruby demanded. The others made sounds of anticipation in agreement.

Ren just keep laughing.

Nora stopped dancing. "Oh, right. I guess you guys want to hear it too, right?"

"YES!" the rest yelled, except for Ren who now was gasping for air. He still hadn't stopped laughing.

"Okay, Okay." Nora cleared her throat and, in a shockingly good impression of Ren, began to speak. "A successful job interview begins with a firm handshake and ends with slaughtering innocent children."

The rest of the room just stared at her. Then they stared at Ren, who at this point was clutching his sides and sound like he was dying. Then they stared at Nora again who had gone back to dancing and singing about how she broke Ren.

THUMP

The spell was broken when Ren passed out from lack of air and fell to the floor.

"Hey Nora? Is he gonna be okay?" Jaune asked.

"Huh? Oh. He'll be fine. He be back up in a few minutes." Nora said with absolute surety.

Jaune and Pyrrha didn't look so sure but Team RWBY just shrugged "If you say so. We could use a break anyway." Ruby said. So some of the teens went to the bathroom, others ate some snacks and five minutes later Ren woke up, right on schedule. "What happened?" He groaned.

"Nora played a card that made you laugh so hard you passed out." Weiss explained. "Also, you're sick. Seriously, seriously sick."

"Oh, come on. I'm not that bad."

"As soon as this game is done, I'm dragging you, Blake and Ruby to the counsellor's office."

Blake looked shocked. "What did I do?"

Weiss raised an eyebrow. "Slow seductive tentacle rape? Ring any bells."

Blake was about to reply but was beat to it by Nora. "Yeah, yeah. Ren's awake so let's keep playing."  
>Pyrrha nodded and reached for a black card. "Right, It's my turn as Card Czar, I guess. Ahem, my questions is: And what did you bring for show and tell?" Everyone stared intently at their hands except for Pyrrha, who was looked off into space. Slowly a small smile began to form on her lips. "So, as Card Czar, what I say goes right?"<p>

"Yep!" came the immediate reply from both Nora and Yang. They looked at each other and began to giggle.

Pyrrha's smile grew slightly wider. "Alright we're going to do thing's a little differently. Instead of giving you cards to my, once you pick what you want to play just put it down face down in front of you. After everyone's done that I'll explain what we're doing."

"Oh, no." Was Weiss' only reply.

As soon as the last card was put down Ruby asked the question on everyone's mind. "Okay Pyrrha, what torture are you going to put us through?"

Smack

Everyone jumped at the sound. They looked at Pyrrha, who was standing up and holding a ruler, which she had just smacked against the table. Somehow, in addition to finding the ruler, she had put on a a pair of glasses and rearranged her hair so that instead of her usual ponytail it was up in a tight bun. All while the rest of the group had been picking their cards. In short she looked like Gylnda Goodwitch. "That's no way to address you teacher, young lady."

Ruby let you a small mep. "Yes Ma'am."

"As long as you've learned you lesson. Now, each of you are going to read you card and tell us what you brought to show and tell. We'll be going in Card Czar order. And no complaints."

Weiss, surprisingly, wasn't the one to complain. "But-" Blake started but was cut off when Pyrrha slapped the table with her ruler again.

"I said no complaints! Is that clear Miss Belladonna?"

"Yes Ma'am!" Blake actually snapped to attention. Or tried to. It's a little difficult to have proper posture on a bean bag chair.

"Now then, Miss Xiao Long, Why don't you share with the class what you brought to show and tell?"

"I brought a vagina that leads to another dimension, Ma'am." Yang said in her best impression of a small child. Nora burst out laughing

"Miss Xiao Long, I now that Show and Tell is usually reserved for students in elementary school, but please act you age." Pyrrha said, her voice dripping with disapproval.

"Yes, Ma'am." Yang actually sounded chastised.

"Good. Now, then tell use some more about this vagina. Is it yours or are you just borrowing It for the day?"

Pyrrha's completely straight face, the look of confusion/embarrassment that was on Yang's and the utter absolute absurdity of the question was too much for Ruby. She followed Nora's example and started to laugh. She was quickly joined by Weiss, Jaune and Blake. Even Ren started to chuckle.

Yang, meanwhile, was struggling to answer the question. "I, umm, well... That is... I, uh."

"Anytime you're ready Miss Xiao Long."

Yang was the very image of a nervous school girl. "It...it's mine." Yang finally admitted. At this point the volume of the laughter approximately doubled.

Not that Prof. Nikos seemed to notice. "I see. That's a very valuable thing to possess. You should take good care of it. Miss Schnee! Would you kindly stop laughing and tell the class what you brought for show and tell."

"One moment, please." Weiss asked. She quickly managed to get herself under control and, with a small cough, began to speak. "My apologies Ma'am. I regret to say that my offering is not as..." she paused as she struggled to find the right word, "Impressive as Yang's. All I brought for show and tell was hipsters." Weiss flipped her card over to show that she had, indeed, brought hipsters.

Pyrrha blinked. "Why?"

"Because I suspected something like this might happen when you asked us to keep our cards. So I decided to play it safe to keep from embarrassing my self."

Pyrrha nodded. "I see. Well I'll give you points for critical thinking. Unfortunately, I have to dock those points for not submitting a funny answer. Also, you'll be seeing me in detention for bringing hipsters into my classroom. Now, please take them out side and have them shot. The janitorial staff will see to it that the bodies are properly disposed of." Weiss probably would have been annoyed at the fact that Pyrrha had out right told her that her card sucked if she hadn't been to busy laughing at Pyrrha's performance along with the rest of 'the class'.

"Miss Rose, would you please show the class what you brought with you today." Pyrrha attempted to move the game along but her 'students' wouldn't stop laughing. A quick smack of the ruler brought them back into line. "Miss Rose, I hope you're not planing to join Miss Schnee After class."

"No Ma'am."

"Then please share with the class what you brought to show and tell."

"I brought flesh-eating bacteria. I hope that's alright." Ruby said hopefully.

"Only so long as you brought enough to share. Moving on. Mr Lie, what did you bring for show and tell?" Pyrrha asked.

"A tusnami."

"Would you please explain to the class what a tsunami is?"

"A tsunami, also known as a seismic sea wave, is a series of water waves caused by the displacement of a large volume of a body of water, generally an ocean or a large lake." Ren explained.

Pyrrha nodded. "Very good Mr. Lie. Now would you please explain why you thought this would be a funny card to play."

"I didn't. I don't have any good cards."

Pyrrha's eyes softened a little bit. "You poor boy. A for effort." She turned to Nora. "Ms Valkyrie. Asides from Ms Xiao Long's offering, this show and tell has been far from impressive. Would you please show you're classmates how it's done."

Nora started bouncing with pride. "With pleasure, Prof Nikos. I brought genital piercings."

"Ms Valkyrie! That is highly inappropriate! You'll be joining Ms. Schnee in detention!" Pyrrha slammed the table with her ruler at the end of each sentence.

"What!" Nora cried out with disappointment. "But Yang showed us her vagina!" Yang, who had just taken a sip of soda, spat it all over Blake, who was sitting beside her. "Why am I the one get's in trouble?" Nora continued.

Pyrrha sighed. "Miss Xiao Long's vagina leads to another dimension. Unless the scrap metal you've shoved into your unmentionables contains the secrets of the universe I'm afraid they have no academic value. Do they contain the secrets of the universe Miss Valkyrie?"

Nora looked like some one had kicked her puppy. "No, Miss Nikos." she mumbled while everyone else laughed.

"Then you have no right to complain about detention." Pyrrha looked over at Blake, who was wiping soda off her face with Yang's help. "Before we continue, do you require any assistance cleaning up Ms Belladonna?"

"No, Ma'am. I think we're about done."

"Very well. Mr Arc?" Jaune jumped a little, just like he did when called upon by an actual teacher in class. Pyrrha couldn't help but smile. "No need to be nervous Jaune. Just tell us what you brought for show and tell." She said in a kind tone.

Encouraged a little, Jaune found his voice. "Um, well I brought Cthulhu Ma'am."

Pyrrha's eyes widened a little. "Cthulhu? As in the legendary Grimm?"

"Uh, Yes?"

"I'm surprised you managed to fit it in the classroom. Still, very impressive. You see class, this is a prime example of what to bring for show and tell. Relevant, unique and educational." Pyrrha said. Weiss, Ren and Blake rolled their eyes while Jaune glowed with pride. "We're almost done class. As soon as Ms Belladonna shares with the class I'll be picking the winner. Ms Belladonna, Whenever you're ready."

Blake, however, did not look ready at all. In fact she looked quite nervous. "Um, can I not? It's really not that funny. Please?" She pleaded.

Pyrrha was having none of it. "Ms Belladonna. You will show the class what you brought or will get detention."

"I'm going to get detention anyway." Blake muttered under her breath.

Once again Pyrrha slammed her ruler against the table. "Ms Belladonna I am losing my patience! You will share what you brought to show and tell right now!"

"Fine!" Blake shouted and reached for her card on the table. She grew flushed and worked her jaw a few times. Just as Pyrrha raised her ruler one more time she spoke. "Tentacle porn. I brought tentacle porn." She said with shame. Shame turned to anger in the face of overwhelming laughter. "It's not me! It's the cards!"

"Sure it is, kitten." Yang said.

Pyrrha soon brought order to the 'classroom'. "Regardless, you will be joining Ms Schnee and Ms Valkyrie in detention. After careful deliberation I have decided to award the awesome point to Mr Arc. Jaune, here's your prize." Pyrrha handed the card over as she let her hair down and removed her glasses.

"Thanks Pyrrha. I think you've been the best Card Czar we've had so far." Pyrrha blushed at the compliment. Not that Jaune noticed.

Ren groaned. "Why did you have to say that? Now Nora's got something to prove."

"Yep." Nora grinned as she planed how to one up Pyrrha's act. However as she read her black card her smile fell. "That's so sad. This is going to get depressing." She moaned.

"Just read the card, Nora." Ren reminded her.

"Fine. I drink to forget blank." Soon a pile of cards sat in front of her. "Well, let's get this over with. I drink to forget poorly-timed Menagerie jokes."

"That might be going a little far." Ruby said apprehensively.

"Not really." Blake answered.

"Sorry, Blake."

Blake sighed. "I was joking."

"Oh." An awkward silence filled the room.

"Rrrrrrrright. Moving on! I drink to forget ethnic cleansing." Nora said. Blake groaned.

"I'm beginning to sense a theme." Ren deadpanned.

"Yeah, they're all depressing." Nora said. "Like this one: I drink to forget child abuse."

Yang let out a slow whistle. "Wow! Nora your life sucks." she said with a grin.

Nora stuck her tongue out at Yang. "Thank for being so understanding. I also drink to forget a boo-boo by the way."

Weiss chuckled. "At this point you might want to stop making excuses and just admit you're an alcoholic."

Nora cried out in frustration. "Rhhg, I wish I wasn't Card Czar this round. It's super depressing and I have a card that totally would have won."

Jaune smirked. "Add it to the list, why don't 'cha. 'I drink to forget the fact that I'm Card Czar."

Nora reached across the table and smacked Jaune while Yang burst out laughing. "Wow! Vomit Boy's on fire tonight!"

Nora picked up the next card. "I also drink to forget repression." She grumbled.

"That doesn't make any sense. Wouldn't forgetting repression mean that you'd remember all the stuff you drank to forget?" Blake said.

"That just gives her an excuse to keep drinking. After all, she now she has to forget all that crap all over again." Jaune explained.

"Jaune, if you don't shut up I will break you legs." Nora said. The rest of the group could tell she was serious by the look on her face.

Jaune gulped. "I'll be good."

Nora's smile returned. "Good. Back to the game." Her smile left again when she realized what that meant. "I also drink to forget the harsh light of day. I don't know why."

Jaune opened his mouth but quickly closed when he saw how Nora was scowling.

"And finally, I drink to forget bullshit. I think that sums up this entire round. Whoever had bullshit wins." Ruby raised her hand and Nora flicked her the card. "Jaune, you're Card Czar. Hurry up so we can move past this."

Yang snickered. "Y'know, I could find us some beer if you want to forget about it." Nora grabbed a pillow and threw it into Yang's face.

"Right, my turn as Card Czar. I hope this goes well." Jaune said nervously. He closed his eyes, drew a black card and brought it up to his face. Opening one eye, he read the card and immediately cheered up. "Well this isn't too bad: The way to a man's heart is through blank." Pyrrha made a sound half way between a squee and and a yelp. This got a concerned look from Jaune and several knowing grins from around the table. "Are you okay, Pyrrha?"

Pyrrha didn't trust herself to speak so she just nodded. Jaune wasn't buying it though. "Are you sure? You're face is all red."

Ren decided to give his red-haired team mate a break. "If she say's she's fine then she's fine Jaune. Just read the cards already."

"Eh? But you guys haven't given them to me yet." Jaune said. Ren simply pointed to the pile in front of Jaune. "Oh, I guess you have. Heh heh. All right, first card. The way to a man's heart is though frolicking."

"Really?" Nora asked excitedly.

"No." Ren said.

"Otherwise you and Ren would already be together-together." Pyrrha expanded on Ren's answer.

Nora giggled. "Oh Yeah."

Jaune chuckled as he picked up the next card. "Right, well, the next way to a man's heart is through... oversized lollipops? What?"

"Shut Up! My cards suck." Yang cried.

"Fine. Moving on: The way to a man's heart is through 72 virgins." Jaune said.

"What, are you giving them to him as gifts? I don't get it." Weiss said.

"Me neither. Although, that is closer to the type of cards I expected." Jaune replied. "Anyway, the next way to a man's heart is through surprise sex." Jaune said with a blush. "See, that's the type of card I expected."

"Wouldn't surprise sex just be rape?" Ruby asked skeptically.

"Not necessarily." answered Yang.

Ren raised an eyebrow. "How so?"

"If you wanted the sex but weren't expecting it then it wouldn't be rape. For example, if you were walking down the hallway and the man of your dreams pulled you into the broom closet and started feeling you up you wouldn't say no now would you." Blake explained.

"Exactly." Yang agreed. "Isn't that right Pyrrha?" she teased.

Pyrrha turned as red as her hair. "I...I guess." Great, thanks Yang. I'm going to be thinking about that all night.

"I'm not so sure." Jaune said, unknowingly saving him self from being shoved into a broom closet by Pyrrha the next day. "Let's see if the next card is any better. The way into a mans heart is through dropping a chandelier on your enemies and riding the rope up. Nope!"

"Are you sure Jaune? That sounds kind of romantic." Ren said, surprising everyone.

"Not to mention Awesome!" shouted Nora.

"I think it would make me feel inadequate if a girl did that for me. Also kinda jealous that I couldn't." was Jaune's reply.

"I'm sure that you'll have the skills to do it one day Jaune." Pyrrha said, making Jaune blush a little. "Besides, it's not that hard."

"You've done it before?" Ruby asked.

"Yes."

"And back to feeling inadequate for me." joked Jaune. "Anyway, back to the game. The way to a man's heart is through playing tonsil-hockey. Anybody know what that means? 'Cause I sure don't."

"It's slang for making out." answered Yang.

"Ooooooooh." Jaune and Ruby said at the same time. They looked at each other and started giggling.  
>When they stopped Jaune grabbed the last white card. "Right, the last way into a man's heart is through warm velvety puppet sex."<p>

Ruby and Weiss tilted their heads and wore matching looks of confusion. "Puppet sex?" They asked in unison.

"Yeah, I don't get it either. Point gos to tonsil-hockey for most likely to actually work."

"Yaay!" Ruby cried as Jaune handed her the black card.

Blake, in turn, picked a new one from the deck. "All right, My turn. What will all ways get you laid? And if one of you mentions tentacles, I will murder you."

"You're the one who brought it up, Kitten." Yang said. Blake growled in response. "Yeah, Yeah. You know you love me. Now hurry up and read the cards."

"Fine." Blake said. "Anal beads will always get you laid."

"I just realized this question is a lot like the last one. Just more direct." Weiss said.

Ruby nodded. "Yeah, I bet a lot of the answers aren't going to make the most sense too."

"Moving on. Dragon boobs will always get you laid." Blake said.

"What's the difference between dragon boobs and regular boobs?" asked Nora.

"What are you looking at me for? I don't know." Blake said with annoyance. "Okay, who've played flying sex snakes dies tonight."

"Oh come on. It's not tentacles." Weiss complained.

"It's close enough."

"Blake, calm down." Ruby ordered.

"I'm not a pervert, it's the cards." Blake mumbled under her breath. Still, she took a few deep breaths and when she had calmed down she continued. "All right. What will always get you laid? A sausage festival!"

Blake, Pyrrha, Yang and Nora burst into laughter. Ruby and Weiss started to snicker. Ren and Jaune just looked at each other awkwardly.

"I love sausage!" exclaimed Nora.

Jaune blushed. "Uh, Nora I don't think they mean breakfast sausage."

"Neither did I." Nora giggled. Jaune just blushed harder.

"Okay, I'll admit that was funny. I kinda needed that." Blake said, her good mode returning. "All right what's the next stupid thing you guys think will get you laid." She read the next white card. "Prancing."

"Nora did you play that?" Ren asked.

"Hey! How'd you know?"

"You played frolicking last round." Ren answered. Nora stuck out her tongue.

"Moving on." Blake said while reading the next card. "Oh what the fuck. Someone played 'beating you wives'. Seriously?"

Ruby, Yang and Nora all booed, while Pyrrha and Weiss just scowled. Good thing, I've got a good poker face. Otherwise I'd be the one getting the beating. Ren thought to himself.

"Let's just move on. The last thing that will always get you laid is ... GIANT FUCKING ROBOTS! HELL YEAH! That card wins!" Blake exploded.

The rest of the teens just stared at the normally quite cat girl. Yang and Weiss, who were sitting on either side of her, even inched their beanbag chairs away from her.

"Really? I won?" Pyrrha asked with scepticism.

"Of course. Giant robots are awesome! So shut up and take your awesome point." Blake grinned as she handed the black card off to Pyrrha.

Weiss stood up, stretched and started to leave. "Hey, where do you think you're going?" Yang asked.

Weiss looked at her with annoyance. "The game's over. Jaune won. I'm going bed."

Yang just laughed at her. "That was just one round, Princess. We're playing for ten. Now sit down."

Weiss's jaw dropped. "Ten rounds? TEN ROUNDS? No. I refuse. We're not playing this for ten rounds. I'm leaving."

"Aw, come on Weiss. It's not that bad." Jaune said.

"Besides, you don't want to let Jaune win do you." Blake said with a smirk.

"Hey!"

"All right, fine. I'll keep playing. But we're not going for ten rounds." Weiss sat down. She and Yang started to argue about the length of the game. Realizing they might take a while, the others silently decided to take a quick break.

-

**AN: Hey guys! What's up?**

**So, this took a lot longer then it thought it would. Seriously. This was harder then you know. Do you have any idea how hard it is to come up with reactions to lame cards. Unfortunately, the next chapter might take even longer. I plan on marathoning all of volume one and two to get the characters' voices and personalities permanently stuck in my head. Should help. Also, I going to practice writing original material. So, yeah no promises on when the next chapter will be up. **

**Also, in case you didn't get it at the end there, I was planing on making ten chapters but that was before I realized how long this was. Looking back, 8 characters might have been a bit much. Damn you hindsight. Be sure to drop me a review to tell me how long you want this madness to go on for. Or just to say good job. Might make me go faster.**

**Anyway here are the current scores:**  
><strong>Ruby:2<strong>  
><strong>Weiss:0 <strong>  
><strong>Blake:0<strong>  
><strong>Yang:0<strong>  
><strong>Jaune:3<strong>  
><strong>Nora:1<strong>  
><strong>Pyrrha:2<strong>  
><strong>Ren:0<strong>

**And now for Review Responses.**

**SirDerpsAlotThe7th: That's a great idea. I think I'll wait until I have the second chapter up before I post it though. Y'know, actually give them something to read.**

**Panzer4life: Yeah, I blew past the 2000 word point a while back. Thanks for the advice though.**

**And to the random guest, Hope you this was hilarious enough for you.**

**And that's it for now. If you'll excuse me I'm going to go listen to the Volume 2 soundtrack for the rest of the day and nothing else :D**

**Reviews are Nice.**

**- Rex Heller.**


	3. Round 2: Electiric Boogaloo

"So, we're all agreed? We'll play for five rounds and see how we feel about continuing then." Weiss said. Nods and sounds of agreement came from all the teenagers around the table. It had taken them awhile but they finally came to a decision that pleased everyone.

"Sweet! Now come on, we've wasted to much time already." Yang said as she grabbed the first black card of the round. "My plans for world domination start with blank. OK guys, let's start off strong."

"Aww, only one of my cards fits." Nora whined.

"Then what's the problem?" Jaune asked.

"I wanted to save it for Blake." Nora responded. While she debated the problem with her self everyone else played their cards. "Ugh, fine I'll just burn a card."

"That's too bad." Yang sound disappointed as she shuffled the white cards. "I know how hard it is to be funny when the cards don't fit. Anyway, my plans for world domination begin with jumping out at people. That's... kinda sad."

"You have to start somewhere." Ren shrugged.

"Well, that didn't work. My next plan for world domination begins with the hustle."

Nora jumped up and yelled in a ridiculously deep voice "Bow down before my superior dance moves."

She then fell down laughing. The rest joined her in merriment.

"Heh, heh. Well in case that doesn't work my next plan for world domination begins with... same-sex ice dancing?" Yang tilted her head to the side in confusion. "I have no idea what I was thinking with that one. Next plan! This one begins with stealing my sister's underwear! Wait...what?"

A midst the laughter around her Ruby levelled an accusing finger at her sister. "So you admit it!"

"What? No! I keep telling you it's not me!" Yang yelled back.

"Wait, someone's _actually_ stealing you're underwear?" Jaune asked. "What kind of pervert would do that?"

"That's what I want to know!" Ruby exclaimed.

"This looks like a case for Nora Valkyrie!" Nora said, pulling a pipe and a deerstalker cap out of nowhere.

"There will be time for that later. Right now is the time for my next world domination plan." Yang flipped the next white card over with a flourish. "It begins with nipple blades."

Jaune's face paled. "Please tell me that isn't a real thing."

Blake shrugged. "Who knows? With all the crazy weapons that people come up with I wouldn't be surprised."

"If they do exist I doubt they'd be effective enough to take over the world with." Yang continued onto the next card. "Right My second-to-last plan for world domination starts with the bullet with your name on it."

"That sounds like you threatening some one." Ren said.

"Yeah, like you're totally pulling a gun on some hero and he's all like 'How do you plan do it?' and you're like 'Simple. Step one: kill you.'" Once Nora had acted out the little scene everyone applauded before they got back on track.

"Right, well, if none of those plans work I still have my sure-fire, 100% foolproof plan for world domination. It begins with... being a dinosaur." Yang collapsed into laughter, holding up the black card. "That is awesome! Whoever's card that was, you win!"

Weiss plucked the black card from Yang's fingers. "Thank you. Now prepare. It's my turn as Card Czar." Everyone quickly refilled their hands and Weiss cleared her throat. "The new thing in Mistral is fetish cafes where you can see girls dressed up as blank."

Everyone shuffled their cards, looking for the perfect one, except Ruby who looked thoughtful. "Hey, Pyrrha? You're from Mistral. Are fetish cafe's a real thing?"

Pyrrha blushed furiously. "Uh, yeah. Unfortunately. They're rather common in certain parts of the capital." _Please don't ask further. I really don't want to tell you about how I had work in one before I got famous._

Luckily for Pyrrha, Ruby remembered she needed to play a card and didn't continue that line of questioning. Mostly because Weiss told her she needed to play a card. As soon as she had, Weiss began to read them. "Alright, the newest thing in Mistral is fetish cafes where you can see girls dressed up as a tiny horse. Why? Just... why?"

"Because people are perverts." Blake deadpanned.

"You would know, wouldn't you?" Weiss smirked. "Moving on, the newest thing is cafes with girls dressed as the milk man." Several seconds passed in silence. "What, no sarcastic comments? No glib remarks?"

"Shut up! Being funny's hard!" Nora whined.

"Fine. Mistral, fetish cafes, blah blah, blind warrior women? What?" Weiss just stared at the white card. No one answered her so she just moved on. "Next is girls dressed up as fangirls." Dead silence. "You know what, none of these are good. I'm going to rush the last three: bitches, porn stars and Roland the Farter, flatulist to the king. Point goes to bitches for honesty."

"That would be me." Pyrrha said.

"Here you are then." Weiss handed over the black card. "I hope the next round is actually humorous."

"Somehow, I don't think that's gonna happen." said Ruby as she read the next black card. "Alternative medicine is now embracing the curative powers of blank. Not exactly the most riveting of subjects."

Weiss smiled. "Oh, I don't know. I've got a few that might be a good fit."

"Alternative medicine..." Nora looked thoughtful. "That's those herbs that are supposed to heal back pain and crap, right?"

Ren nodded. "Yep."

Soon all the white cards had been placed in front to Ruby. "All right. Alternative medicine is now embracing the powers of AIDS! OK, this might go better then I expected." Ruby said with a smile while the others laughed.

"Told you so." Weiss said.

Ruby pouted. "All right, fine. You were right." The young team leader admitted. She brightened up when she read the next card. "Hehehehe. Alternative medicine is now embracing the curative powers of making a friend."

"Awwwww. That's sweet." Yang gushed.

"And it makes sense." Blake added. "After all, making a friend does make you feel better."

" It's true." Jaune said.

"Yeah, yeah. We all agree it's a great card. Now can we stop with the warm and fuzzies and move on the next card?" Weiss asked.

Ruby rolled her eyes and giggled. "Well since you asked so nicely, Miss Grouchy-puss, I might be able to do that." Weiss gave her a look. Unfortunately that just made Ruby giggle harder. "Fine, fine. Heh. Alternative medicine is embracing alcoholism?"

"Yep. It makes the pain go away." Nora said cheerfully.

"Nora weren't you getting upset because of alcoholism last round?" Pyrrha asked.

"She get's over things quickly in case you haven't noticed." Ren explained.

Ruby decided to move on. "Next card! Alternative medicine is now embracing the curative powers of the placenta? Ewwwwwwwww! What, do they eat it later? Put it into pills?" Ruby proceeded to have a minor freak out.

"Did you know that's an actual thing that people do?" Yang asked.

"Seriously? That's so gross." Jaune said.

"Yep. You see, what they do is-" Yang started to explain before being cut-off by her little sister.

"Nope! Not listening! Moving on! Alternative medicine is now embracing the curative powers of Goliath tusks." Laughter broke out around the table. Weiss, having an idea, pulled out scroll and started searching the Internet.

"I think that's my favourite so far. It sounds like something people would actually try to sell." Yang said.

"But it's so stupid. The tusks would just disappear after you killed the Goliath, just like the rest off it." Blake couldn't believe it.

"Yeah, even I know that Grimm disappear after you kill them." Jaune agreed.

"Eh, there are some pretty stupid people out there. You'd be surprised." Yang shrugged.

"Yeah right. The first person to show me actual evidence of some one buying goliath tusks gets …twenty …lien." Before Blake could finish her sentence Weiss had shoved her scroll in her face.

"Pay Up."

As Blake grumbled and pulled out her wallet, Ruby was reading the next card "Alternative medicine is now embracing the curative powers of insatiable bloodlust. Um, what exactly is that supposed to cure?"

"Stress." Ren deadpanned.

Pyrrha nodded. "That makes sense. Kind of."

"That, or sexual impotence." Everyone just stared at Ren.

"Riiiiiiiiight. Moving on. The final card is the ooze. So goliath tusks wins." Ruby held up the black card for whoever won.

"Thank you." Pyrrha said as she took the black card. "So it's Ren's turn, right?"

"Yes." Ren replied. "Here's the card. I love the smell of blank in the morning."

"This is going to be bad." Ruby sounded fearful as she handed her white card over. "So very bad."

"Right. If everyone gave Ren what he wants then this is going to get really dark, really fast." Weiss said.

Ren gathered the various white cards. "I don't know what you're talking about. My sense of humour is perfectly normal." Six of the eight friends sweat-dropped and all thought the same thing. _How can he say that with a straight face?_

Nora, meanwhile, had lost her patience, again, and told Ren to hurry up. Ren nodded. "Right. I love the smell of hope in the morning."

"Nah, that doesn't seem right." Yang shook her head.

Nora's eyes lit up. "Ooh, maybe he eats it. You know, for breakfast. Oh, oh, Renny, what does hope taste like? Do you suck it form your victims? Does it go well with pancakes?"

"You can't eat hope Nora. Anyway, next card. I love the smell of nubile slave boys in the morning and I can't believe I just said that."

The last part of Ren's sentence was almost drowned put by Nora's laughter. "You said it! He said it! I can't believe you actually said it!" She yelled while fighting for breath. Everyone else was also laughing extremely hard, except for Pyrrha, who was blushing as red as her hair. _Bad thought. Bad thoughts. Damn it, Pyrrha stop thinking about yaoi, dominant Ren. You like Jaune. Mmmm, dominant yaoi Jaune. No, wait. Bad thoughts, bad thoughts!_

"Yeah, yeah. Calm down. I guess that was yours?" Ren frowned at his pink partner. Nora could only nod because she was still giggling helplessly. "Just so you know, I will get you back for this. But first: I love the smell of a windmill full of corpses in the morning."

Ruby sighed. "And now we start getting the gory cards."

Yang looked puzzled. "Why a windmill though?"

"I like the hint of pine it adds to the aroma." Ren had returned to his serene state. "I also like the smell of all this blood. Very similar to the last card."

"Gee, you think? And whose fault is that?" Blake asked. "It's not like you clearly have a clear bias towards the violent cards?"

"Some of you decided to try something different."

"Nora doesn't count. She just wanted to hear you say that you like men."

"Boys." Nora spoke up. "I wanted to hear him say he likes boys."

Ren ignored her. "Fine but the hope card was fine until Nora got at it."

Ruby put her hand up. "Actually, I would have played a violent card if I had one."

Ren sighed before reading the next card. "Whatever. I love the smell of ursa tears in the morning."

"Can Grimm even cry?" Jaune asked.

"Sure, if you hit them in the balls hard enough." Yang joked.

Jaune flinched but quickly recovered thanks to curiosity. "Do Grimm even had balls?"

Yang's eyes widened. "I don't know. I never actually thought about it before." The look of shock on her face turned into a more predatory one. "It should be fun to find out though."

Blake gave Jaune a look "Why would you give her ideas?" Jaune, in turn, just giggled nervously.

"Yang, just to be sure, you do mean that it'll be fun to punch Grimm in the balls right." Weiss looked a little scared.

"Yeah. Why? What did you think I meant?"

"Nothing" Weiss said quickly.

"Sure, nothing." Ren said with a small smirk. "Anyway, next card. I love the smell of oh you gotta be kidding me." Ren's smirk was replaced with a frown.

That smirk wasn't homeless for long, though. It found a new home with Yang. "What's wrong Ren? Just read the card."

"Is this yours?"

"Maybe."

"Doesn't matter. I hate you anyway." Yang just kept smiling. Ren sighed. "Fine. I love the smell of a 55-gallon tube of lube in the morning." Laughter exploded from around the room. "Moving on. I love the smell of hormone injections in the morning."

"Ok, so who wins?" Ruby asked. Yang and Nora both leaned forward in anticipation.

Ren wasn't about to hand over the point though. "Give me a moment. Before I declare a winner I would like to point out that the majority of the cards where not violent and then rub that fact in Blake's face." Blake stuck her tongue out at Ren. "Alright, the winner is a windmill full of corpses."

Weiss snatched the black card away from Ren. "Never thought I'd hear that sentence in my life."

"Wait, What! Nora and I clearly got the most laughs. How come we didn't win? Why didn't I win? I still don't have any points!" Yang yelled.

"Fuck you. That's why."

As Yang grumbled the group replaced their white cards and Pyrrha drew the next black card. "All right everyone: What was the theme of my second wedding?"

Yang hung her head in despair. "Great. Another round where I'm not going to get any points. Seriously, why does this game hate me?"

"Don't complain. You're not the only one without points." Blake pointed out.

"Yeah, but you and Ren aren't awesome like I am."

"Hey!" Weiss interrupted. "Are you going to argue all night or are you going to play the game?"

Yang and Blake sheepishly slide their cards towards Pyrrha. Pyrrha picked them up, shuffled them in with the rest and picked out the first one. "And the theme for my second wedding is: the rest of eternity, spent in fucking Vacuo. That is, um, I… Huh."

"Is Vacuo really as bad as everyone says it is?" Jaune asked.

"Yeah, pretty much." Blake answered. "Why do you think Sun left that place?"

"So, not something that would make a good theme for a wedding." Pyrrha continued on the next card.  
>"Cards Against Remnant. As fun as this is I don't think it would be appropriate for a wedding. Next card is: A pile of squirming bodies."<p>

Ruby, Nora and Yang laughed. Blake smirked. "Somebody got wedding and orgy mixed up." Ruby, Nora and Yang laughed even harder and Pyrrha started to chuckle.

"Ok well the next theme is nail-gun fights. I get the feeling that you guys have some weird ideas about me." Pyrrha was taking the responses in good humour, unlike some of the others when they had been Card Czar. Not that the others noticed, they where too busy laughing. "Next up is science."

"That's not a lot to go on." Ruby pouted.

"Yeah, I mean what sort of science. Physics? Biology? Oh, maybe there's some type of wedding science that can only be done at wedding or something!" Nora rambled on excitedly.

"Personally, I don't like the idea that my love life is just one big science experiment." Pyrrha said as she picked up the last two cards. "I want to move on so the last two cards are: syphilitic insanity and demonic possession. Wait, what?" Pyrrha looked stunned.

Yang burst out laughing. "Wow, looks like you saved the best for last."

"I am now seriously concerned about my reputation. Anyway, Cards against Remnant wins. I think that would be the most fun. Whose was that?" Pyrrha asked. Weiss held out her hand and Pyrrha handed the black card over.

"Two in a row. I'm not sure whether to be proud or ashamed."

Norra picked up a new black card. "Who cares? Anyway I'm next, so hurry up. Oh, hey it's a poem!"

Yang groaned. "A poem? This had better not be that stupid 'make a haiku' card."

Nora bounced happily. "Nope. It says 'this is the way the world ends, this the way the world ends, not with a bang but with blank.'"

"Hey, I recognize that." Ruby exclaimed.

"I'm not surprised, it's pretty famous. Nobody remembers the rest of the poem though." Weiss's voice held a touch of disappointment.

"Alright, these had better be funny. I don't want all my turns as Card Czar to be depressing. Everyone ready?" Nora said as everyone passed her their cards. She cleared her throat and began to speak in over-the-top ominous voice. "This is the way the world ends, this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but with the thin veneer of situational causality that underlies porn."

Jaune broke into giggles. "I'm not sure what that means but that voice is hilarious."

Nora just pulled the next card and continued with the voice. "Not with a bang but with sneezing, farting and cuming all at the same time."

Jaune stopped giggling and started gagging, with the others around the table following suit with some combination of the two.

"Not with a bang but with…" Nora, deciding to put a little more showmanship into it, paused mid-sentence to turn over the card with flourish, "A plunger to the face!"

Yang collapsed against her sister, laughing and holding her sides. "It hurts to breath."

Nora was having a really hard time not joining in the laughter. _How does Ren do this? _Pushing that thought to the side, she instead read the next card. "Not with a bang but with apologizing."

Weiss smirked " I should hope so. Destroying the world is pretty rude. The least you could do is say you're sorry."

Nora took a deep breath as she prepared to read the next card. _Gotta stay calm. Gotta keep doing the voice. Gotta stay calm. Be like Ren. Don't laugh, don't laugh, don't laugh. _And the she laughed. And laughed. And laughed.

"Should we help her?" Ruby asked. The others nodded but Ren shook his head. "Just give her a minute."

Nora stopped laughing soon afterwards and grinned sheepishly. "Sorry about that." She cleared her throat and began to speak in her ominous voice again. "This is the way the world ends, this is the way the world ends. Not with a bang but with General ironwood ridding in on a tame nevermore." Speaking normally again, Nora grabbed the last two cards. "Ok, I think that one wins, so I'm gonna rush the last two. And they are: Fisting and Spoilers. Yep, Ironwood wins."

Yang sprang up so fast she nearly flipped the table. "YES! Finally! Yang wins! Yang wins!" She started to do a victory dance.

"So you we're just going to skip over fisting. Really? No reaction there? It's not my card, and it's not like it should win or anything, but still…" Blake said but she was ignored as the others tried to keep Yang from accidentally destroying the room. "No? Ok."

"Did you say something Blake?" Ruby asked as they final got Yang to calm down.

"Nope."

"Right, well. Back to the game I guess. Whose turn was it?" Jaune raised his hand in response to Yang's question. "Well get to it, Vomit boy."

"Please don't call me that." Jaune said as he reached for a new black card. He turned it over and immediately cringed. "Oh no."

Yang grinned. "This'll be good."

Jaune sighed in resignation. "I can only express my self through though blank."

Yang swore. "I have no good cards! Again!"

_Well that's one card I don't have to worry about. _Thought Jaune as gathered the white cards from around the table. "Let's just get this over with. I can only express my self through cuddling." Jaune smiled, pleasantly surprised.

"Lame." Yang said.

"What!" Ruby cried. "I think it's cute."

"Maybe, but its not very funny." Yang explained. Ruby pouted but she could see Yang's point so she didn't argue.

Jaune flipped over the next card. "I can only express my self through a bop-it. What?"

"Shut up! I told you my cards suck!" Yang cried.

"That's what you said the last time I was Card Czar." Jaune pointed out. "Besides it…kinda makes sense." Yang smiled weakly at Jaune's attempt at cheering her up. "Anyway, next card. I can only express myself through a mating display."

"Until a short while ago I would have believed that to be true." Weiss said. "Thanks for stopping that by the way."

"No problem." Jaune nodded. "Let's see what's next…" He said as he flipped over the next white card. "Farting with my armpits. Seriously?"

"Why do you sound so bored?" Nora asked.

Jaune shrugged. "Well, a part of me is happy that this is the worst you guys can come up with, but I was really expecting cards like 'painting the wall in blood' or 'masturbation'. Compared to that, these seem kind of tame."

Nora nodded. "Ok, that makes sense."

Jaune picked up the next white card. "Let's try again shall we? The only way I can express my self is though peeing a little bit."

"That's just gross." Ren said.

"Agreed. Yet still not as bad as I thought it would be." Jaune said. "Moving on. I can only express myself though a sad hand job. See, _that _is the sort of answer I was expecting!"

"Does that mean I win?" Nora asked eagerly.

"No."

"Damnit."

Weiss cleared her throat. "Besides, I don't think Jaune's the type to give out hand jobs. Trust me when I say that he's straight. Annoyingly so."

"Well duh. That's why it's a sad hand job. 'Cause he doesn't want to do it. But he has to 'cause it's the only way he can express himself." Nora explained.

Weiss blinked. "That's… surprisingly well thought out."

"Can we not have this conversation while I'm in the room. Please." Jaune pleaded.

"So we can have this conversation while you're not in the room." Yang teased. _Yes please. _Pyrrha thought desperately.

"You know they wouldn't be having this conversation if _you just read the last card._" Ren said with annoyance.

"Oh, right." Jaune flipped over the final card. "Inappropriate yodeling, huh? That's not bad." Jaune looked at the gathered white cards as he tried to pick a winner. "Right well that wasn't the best selection, but it think the winner is Yang, with the bop-it."

Yang was stunned that her burn card had won. "Are you sure?"

"Yep. It was weird and unexpected. I thought it was one of the funnier ones too. Anyway, your turn Blake."

After everyone picked up new white cards, Blake read the new black card. "Well that's interesting."

"What is it?" Yang asked.

"Nothing, it's just that you have to pick two cards for this one and I'm wondering how we're going to do this." Blake explained.

"Oh, is that all? Everyone just puts their cards down in separate piles and in the order they want them read. Got it?" Yang looked around for confirmation.

Everyone gave various signs of agreement so Blake read out the black card. "My life is ruled by a vicious cycle of blank and blank."

Soon everyone had put down two cards but that was when Jaune realized something. "Wait, now you know who played what."

Blake smiled like a tiger spotting its prey. "Well look at that. I guess I do." Several faces around the table paled. "And, no you can't change you answers. It's too late for that. I guess I'll go in Card Czar order then." Blake said as she reached for Yang's cards. However, her joy left her when she actually read them "Yang?"

"Yes, Blake?"

"What the fuck is this?"

"It doesn't mention tentacles. You can't get mad."

Blake growled. "Fine. My life is ruled by a vicious cycle of a snapping turtle biting the type of your penis and forgetting the safe word." Jaune and Ren instinctively covered their groins. Jaune's eyes actually started to water from the imagined pain. "Weiss is next. My life is a vicious cycle of small breasts and tiny nipples."

Yang snickered "I think Weiss might have been thinking about her own life, not Blake's."

"Hey!"

Blake just rolled her eyes. "Ruby, please tell me your cards aren't a joke about my sex life."

Ruby rubbed the back of her head. "I don't _think _so. I was mostly just getting rid of bad cards." She said, embarrassed.

This seemed to calm Blake down. "That's fine. According to Ruby my life is ruled by a vicious cycle of Vacuan chicken farmers and natural selection."

"Are we sure that wasn't about your sex life?" Nora asked, innocently.

Blake groaned. "How could that possibly be about my sex life?"

"Well, Sun's a chicken farmer, isn't he?"

Blake blinked twice, then let out a wordless scream of rage. Yang gave Nora a high five while Ruby rushed to give Blake a calm-down hug. A few minutes latter Blake no longer wanted to murder the pink bomber and the game continued.

Or it would have if Ren hadn't place a hand over his cards. "Fair warning. If you're tired of jokes about sex life you might want to skip mine."

Blake gave the martial artist a small smile. "Thank you, but it's fine. I've accepted it as part of the game. Now let me see those cards." Ren removed his hand and Blake picked them up. "My life is ruled by a vicious cycle of being chained to the bed and whipped to orgasmic bliss by a leather-clad woman and fancy feast."

"I did warn you." Blake had to lean in to her Ren. The sound of his voice nearly drowned out by the laughter of their teammates.

"I told you, it's fine." Blake shouted back. "At this point I'm more annoyed about the fancy feast."

Once everyone had calmed down, Blake reached for Pyrrha cards only to be stopped once more. "Before you read them, I just want to say that I am so, so sorry." With that done the red head allowed the catgirl to look at the cards.

"My life is ruled by a vicious cycle of pixelated bukkake and being marginalized. So, basically what I can expect for the rest of the game is jokes about how I'm a pervert or about the fact that I'm a faunus." Blake groaned.

"I'm sorry." Pyrrha said quietly.

"Yeah, petty much." Yang answered, ignoring the apologizing amazon.

"Sorry." Pyrrha repeated.

"On the bright side, I think we're getting the worst of it out right now." Nora added cheerfully.

"Sorry."

"Yours going to be the worst, isn't it?" Blake asked Nora.

"Sorry."

"Oh, probably." Nora actually looked proud of herself.

"Sorr-" Pyrrha was cut off as the others yelled at her. "Pyrrha, Shut up!"

"Ok."

Blake took a breath to calm down. "All right Nora. Give me you cards." The bubbly bomber slid them over. "According to Nora, My life is ruled by a vicious cycle of my inner demons and murdering innocent… faunus… children." Blake froze in place once she finished talking and just started at the card in her hand.

"Definitively the worst." Weiss said.

Jaune stared at his teammate for a moment before bursting into rage. "Nora, What the Fuck is wrong with you? Why would you do that?"

Nora, surprised at her adorkable leaders sudden anger, at least had the common decency to look ashamed. "Well, if I played so that where doing that, that would be racist. But if Blake does it, it's not racist and that makes it better. Slightly. Sort of. Maybe?" Nora looked pleadingly at her leader hoping that her explanation would cool his rage.

She was out of luck though. "Just because a faunus is doing it doesn't mean it's not racist!" the blonde yelled.

Ignoring the argument on the other side of the table for now, Ruby poked Blake in the arm. "Uh, Blake are you ok? Should I slap you? That's what they usually do in the cartoons I watch. I don't think it works in real life though."

"Mrgle." Was Blake's answer.

"Look, I understand if you mad. I mean I would be too. Nora did kinda go too far. So if you need to take it out on her, I won't stop you. Just, uh, try not to kill her. I think we could get in a lot of trouble for that." Ruby babbled on worriedly.

Blake finally raised her face up to look at Ruby. "I'm fine." She said with a sigh. "I'm not even angry. Seriously, I'm not. I… just… How do you even come up with that? Who made these cards? What were they thinking?"

Ruby gave her a sad smile. "You sure you're fine?"

"Yeah. Let's get the game going again. Hopefully some laughter will help clear my head. Oh, and Ruby." Blake took her leaders hand and gave it a light squeeze. "Thanks for being there for me."

Ruby's face lit up with a glowing smile. "No problem. I'm really happy I could help." With that potential crisis averted she turned back to the other side of the table where Jaune and Nora's argument about whether faunus being racist to other faunus was still racist or not had escalated.

Nora had found an ally in, of course, Ren, while Weiss had sided with Jaune. They continue the actual debate with facts, logical arguments, various swear words, and hand gestures of a dubious nature. Nora and Jaune, however had moved beyond such things and were now wrestling on the floor. Nora was winning but Jaune was holding his own surprisingly well. Something to do with having seven sisters, I'm sure.

Yang was wearing a cheerleader's outfit for some reason. Probably for fan service.

Ruby put her fingers in her mouth and let loose and earsplitting whistle. Everyone stopped except for Yang who continued to bounce up and down yelling "Fight, fight, fight. Kiss, kiss, kiss."

Blake cleared her throat. "Right, I'm ready to finish this. So if everyone will just sit down we can get this over with."

As they took their seats Jaune gave Blake his signature goofy grin. "Glad to see your feeling better."

"Thanks." Blake smiled back. "Would you give me you cards now?"

"What? Oh, right. Hehe. Sorry." Jaune laughed nervously as he passed the catgirl his cards.

"Alright. My life is ruled by a vicious cycle of slapping a racist old lady and police brutality." Blake's bow twitched and she let out a small chuckle. "You know, that's actually pretty funny. Jaune wins."

Jaune looked at the black card being handed to him with confusion. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah. It was pretty cleaver without being to… extreme."

"Oh. Ok then." Jaune took the black card and added it to his pile.

"So what were you guys arguing about anyway?"

* * *

><p><strong>Hey guys, what's up?<strong>

**First of all let me apologize for taking so long to get this chapter out. I don't have an excuse. I just got really lazy. There's not much to say beyond that besides that as Weiss said I will be doing five chapters and then deciding whether to continue. Don't worry though. Even after I finish this, whether it's five chapters or ten, more Cards Against Humanity awesomeness is on the way.**

**However, just because there's no a lot I need to say, don't think there aren't things that I want say. First, in my attempt to convert some of the cards to fit in better in the world of Remnant I have assigned each of the four kingdoms a role to fulfill. Basically they're replacing any real places on the actual cards against humanity. So here they are:**

**Vale: normal. Basically what you see in the show.**

**Atlas: Militant, patriotic and the most racist of the four kingdoms. Eagleland. Takes the place of America or should I say 'MERICA!**

**Mistral: Japan. That's it.**

**Vacuo: A shit hole. Takes the place of every crappy place on a card. Africa, Mexico, New Jersey, you name it. Also has the highest population of faunus.**

**Second thing I want to say is, yes, Pyrrha is a yaoi fangirl. Yes I know it's usually Blake who's into the boylove I decided to shake things up. Pyrrha grew up in Remnant's version of Japan; she needs to have at least one fetish. As for whether Blake has all the other fetishes the others accuse her of… you'll just have to wait and see.**

**Next, here are the current scores:**

**Ruby: 2**

**Weiss: 3**

**Blake: 0**

**Yang: 2**

**Jaune: 4**

**Norra: 1**

**Pyrrha: 3**

**Ren:0**

**Finally, here are the Review Responses.**

**Autistic-Grizzly: Yeah, Ruby's knowledge is kind of hit and miss. Glad you're enjoying the story,**

**Panzer4life: Unfortunately, as I'm trying to make the cards fit the world of Remnant, Nazis are out. The closest thing is the black fang and that's more of a Blake card. Sorry.**

**Gamer AlchemistZ: You're welcome. You really should try to play in real life sometime. It's a blast.**

**FluffyDestroyerOfPlanets: Thanks for the tip. I'm trying hard to keep the OoCness to a minimum but some will always sneak in. As For Derps against Humanity, I've already watched every episode.**

**titansFire: Love your energy. Don't worry you want more of me and more you'll get. I'm finally back in the swing of things.**

**Undeadhero143: As I said earlier you might not be getting ten chapters. But there will be sequels. Lots of sequels.**

**dfinkel70: Sorry. No Blank cards this time. I'm not sure how it would work. Still, glad you're enjoying this.**

**FlameEmperor: You shouldn't laugh at fabrics dude. Fabrics are serious business. Also might wanna check that spell checker.**

**CaptainBarracuda: Thank you. I do my best.**

**Jonathan: Thank you.**

**Guest #1: Don't worry. None of the characters are going anywhere. Also, I am so jealous that you own the game. I really need to buy it one of these days.**

**Guest #2: Well, it didn't end with the big bang but I hope that you enjoy the way it actually did.**

**Neodova: How was it surprising that this was awesome. It has RWBY and Card Against Humanity. Two of the scientifically most awesome things on the planet. Oh, and me too I guess. I'm also pretty awesome ;P.**

**LoveGlutton: Wow you really like Pyrrha, don't you. As for your card requests, I'll do my best. But I won't be doing the fantasy thing, that's a little to **_**grimm. **_**Hohohoooooh god I hate my self right now.**

**Tomas44: Thank you. That means a lot.**

**Kuroyami Fukaikuro: Thanks. Glad to have you onboard.**

**And that's it for now. If you'll excuse me I'm going to go write about some thing serious like Scorpion from Mortal Kombat fighting King Sombra with whiffle bats or something.**

**Reviews are nice**

**-Rex Heller.**


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